Monday, June 13, 2011

Lies, Precious Lies...

Lies. They're all around. You've seen and heard your friends lie straight to your face. But, have you ever thought about the lies that you've been silently told and secretly have believed?

Many times there are lies that we all know aren't true, but we just can't get them out of our heads. It's like, you know that it isn't true, but you can't seem to really believe that it's not true. Just think of one lie that you believe. Not a lie that a friend has told you like "Yeah, I didn't kiss your boyfriend" when they did, but a lie that actually, you know, has more to do with you. A lie that Satan keeps shoving in your face, or a lie that maybe you keep telling yourself.

"There's a vulture on my shoulder..."
Do you ever feel like you're fixed at zero and can't get anywhere?

Well, that's what I felt like awhile ago. Awhile ago on my (now unavailable) "Ask Me Anything" page, someone asked me how I've been handling my blog getting more popular day after day.

One thing I told the reader was that I never really have any doubts when it comes to writing, I can just put my whole heart into it and not worry about what people say back. Wow, so much can change in a few months.

My mind is very... um, doubtful. In basically everything I do or want to do, there's a small doubt, that many times turns into several doubts. In gymnastics, I couldn't stand watching the Olympics, knowing that would never be me with a gold medal. In volleyball, all the other girls played for the local middle schools and were way better than me. In modeling, I highly doubted that me and my outfit would place well... how did I end up placing second??? I never used to have doubts about my writing, but things changed. Every time I visited an extremely popular blog and then glanced back at mine, it was like, "Why do I even try??? I'll never be an author."

My doubts go further beyond that. There are more than just doubts--- sometimes just plain lies that you shouldn't believe and you know it, but you believe it anyway.

Sometimes I feel like nothing's out of reach, and then other times I feel like I can't do anything. Sometimes I feel confident, other times I feel like there's nothing good about myself. Many times, even though I have many supportive friends, it seems like, "Am I annoying? Do they really want to be friends with me?" Or, even though I know I shouldn't have ever believed this, I used to think that everyone else was prettier than me. I had everything against myself, and nothing good to think of myself.

At church on Wednesday, a kid in the youth group preached instead of our youth pastor, Corey. There was what I'd like to call an altar call at the end, but everyone had to go up there... you didn't really have the choice. And before he prayed for me, he said, "I don't know if this is accurate but... do you feel like you've been letting lies control your life?" My eyes widened. Gosh, that kid is gifted--- How did he know??? I replied, "sometimes", but no--- YES!!! As soon as we were done praying, I felt like the chains were broken. The lies were gone.... I don't even care to think about them anymore!

I enjoy life a lot more now. I wasn't gonna kill myself or anything, but you know, I just wasn't as happy as I used to be. Now, I'm ten times happier with myself and am much more content with how I am! If Prism's blog has more followers, whatever. I'll catch up with her. If Mariah has a wider vocal range and better stage presence, it doesn't matter. She's six years older than me... I have a lot of years ahead. If Kendall Jenner is a model for Forever21, oh well! I don't intend to go far in a modeling career anyway... I'm content with fashion shows in 4-H.

A doubt is only a doubt. If you keep doubting yourself, you'll never get anywhere in life. Have what you want, but want what you have. If you're happy with what you have, then maybe that's all that matters!

And back to lies. A lie is only a lie, and the truth will set you free. (Don't believe what Hayley says in 'Careful': "The truth never set me free so I'll do it myself".) If you won't be willing to stop believing it, it will hold you back like crazy. Accept what you have and don't watch all the other people with the better bikini body, silkier hair, or non-saggy arms. If they are more popular, whatever. More talented? It doesn't matter. Prettier? Looks don't reflect the heart. Would you rather be gorgeous on the outside and ugly in the heart? Or beautiful in your heart and forget about the looks? Just like a mirror reflects you, your actions reflect your heart, and that's all that matters.

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