Sunday, April 27, 2014

Why I Have a Love/Hate Relationship on Being an Introvert

This is just one of the many things that I decide to do instead of working on my Student Government campaign.


  1. Graded work. In school, there is constantly a debate, Socratic seminar, vocal presentation, group project, or (my least favorite) the reading of one's creative writing. And worse, it's mandatory. I hate being penalized for liking to keep my thoughts to myself, so I am forced to speak on things I'd rather not. I remember my first large group discussion in eighth grade. There were at least 20 kids in this discussion, and not only was the topic uncomfortable for me to express my true feelings, but I didn't know anyone yet and was too afraid to speak. The only points I got were the ones for paying attention and being prepared. So, needless to say, I failed. I got an A in the course, but that was because I learned to push myself. I'm not saying there shouldn't be public speaking activities, but why so much pressure on getting kids out of their "shell"?
  2. Society. People make being introverted or shy (which I know are two different things) seem like bad traits, often telling us to "get out of our shells" and the like. As a young child, I was constantly reminded of how shy I was to the point where I decided to force extroversion upon myself. While I can act that way and I am pretty outgoing now, that's not who I am. I prefer to spend my weekends alone, reading a book instead of partying. Yet people comment on my social life (or lack thereof), because I am expected to be an extrovert in this society. What is so wrong about the way I am?
  3. Church. As someone who has been at a Pentecostal church since kindergarten (I was dedicated at a Baptist church and spent two years at a non-denominational one), I can say that the entire A/G denomination (at the very least, if not most Christian churches) is run by extroverts, or introverts like me who have adapted to extroversion. I am often self-conscious during worship, especially when altar calls happen, and raising hands. I don't lift my hands when I worship. I don't pray super loud (or out loud at all for that matter). Yet, once again, those are turned into negative qualities in the Pentecostal church, using phrases like "get out of your comfort zone," and "give it your all." Excuse you, but just because I'm not attracting attention to myself does not mean I'm any less passionate than you are. I think it's rude when people make assumptions about my relationship with God simply because I appear distant at worship sometimes. It's not that I'm not trying, but I'm not going to force something that just isn't who I am, because in reality, that's even worse than standing with hands in my pockets. 
  4. Small talk. If I don't know you well, I'm not going to strike up a conversation about autumn leaves. If we're going to talk, we're going to have a reason. So please, enough with the forced conversations. Sometimes, all anyone needs is some quiet time. I will admit, sometimes I violate this rule. But do as I say, not as I do.
  5. Interests. When I was younger, between the ages of 4 and 12, I would be a little scared to talk about the things that interested me unless we were friends. Because I spent an unusual amount of time reading and researching in elementary school, if someone were to ask a question, I usually knew the answer, but would be afraid to speak up and would wait for someone else to do so. And when I finally did get excited about something and started talking, I would either be shut down ("no one cares," "shut up," "that's stupid") or ignored. I guess this is more of a shy person problem than anything.
  6. Building relationships. Some introverts can do this with ease, but for some reason, it takes a much longer time for me to build close friendships. I can be acquainted with multiple people, but only close with a few. Even worse? It's really easy to tell when I'm uncomfortable. Just attend a wedding or party with me and you'll see me fidgeting with my jewelry or staring into the distance. Again, I guess this a result of being shy.
  7. Being misunderstood. People think that I can't be introverted because I'm somewhat outgoing. Or, they think because I'm an introvert it automatically means I'll be rude or anxious. 
  8. Apologizing. Sometimes, I feel the need to apologize for who I am. Like, I'm sorry I don't like to talk in the car, and I know it's kind of rude. I'm sorry I'd rather be alone than at a social gathering. It has nothing to do with you, and it's not that I don't like you. It's so hard to explain.
  9. Opening up. I recently e-mailed two of my poems to a friend, and explained to her that she is basically the only friend I have allowed to read my poetry. Honestly, I thought she would hate my poems and I would regret sending them. Mostly, though, it was that I was showing her a part of me few have seen before, and I didn't know how she'd take it. She liked the poems and it was easy explaining the meanings, but it was pretty courageous.
  10. Exhaustion. Like how extroverts gain energy from social activity, we gain it from solitude. Unfortunately, it's difficult to set aside some alone time-- even sleeping is often put off. And I know tonight it definitely will be since I haven't started my homework or my campaign. Parties throw off my entire week. Don't get me wrong, I like them, but long events exhaust me (don't they exhaust everyone?).
And, in spite of all these things, in a way, I still love being an introvert.

It's who I am, and it's nothing to apologize for. It's something to be proud of! 

Say it loud: I'M AN INTROVERT AND I'M PROUD!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

10 Things You Should Do BEFORE You Graduate

I am only a sophomore in high school, but then again, I am a sophomore in high school. I will be an upperclassman in the fall, and if that's not crazy, what is? I was getting an application for student government yesterday at school, when I realized you have to be in the club for at least a year to become secretary, vice president or president. "That's okay," I thought, "I'll be class rep this year and then when I'm a senior I'll run for secretary."

And that's when it hit me. At the end of next month, I will be halfway done with high school. I decided that I needed to figure out what I want to do before I leave, you know? So, I decided to make a list of things I think every student should do before they graduate.



  1. Befriend a teacher. Yeah, this is a plus for getting recommendations for National Honor Society or college, but also it's just nice to get to know the people who have to see you everyday. They're way beyond high school, so you know their advice won't be jacked up. My bio teacher is a former Northwestern student, which is pretty convenient if you ask me. And believe me, they want to get to know you (for the most part). My history teacher this year has written somewhere little ways to remember who is who in our class period. For me, it says something about The Lion King. So yeah! Talk to your teachers! And on that note...
  2. Spend lunch in a classroom. Call it geeky, but it's a lot of fun. It can be pretty relaxing to spend lunch time in the art room-- I've done it, believe me. When I was in eighth grade, I spent much of the end of the school year in my English teacher's room with my friends, because we just loved the atmosphere of the room (and she was a pretty cool teacher). I spent lunch in my Chinese teacher's room once this year, and I, a friend, and a few juniors blasted Chinese music (and, of course, show tunes from Rent) while studying Chinese and talking about stuff unrelated to academics. So, do it. You'll find yourself bonding with people you normally pass in the hallways, or maybe just having a peaceful lunch period.
  3. Send a letter to your future self. Using Letter 2 Future, you can send letters to yourself that you expect to receive in the future. We had to do this for English this year, and I'm pretty excited to see mine a few weeks before I graduate high school. It's a way to think about who you are now and how you want to spend your future. I used it as a way to give advice to myself.
  4. Leave your comfort zone. I'm not saying to change your entire personality... though you can if you want (or at least you can change the way people think you are... I did it in fourth grade, and I've come across as extroverted ever since, even though I am an introvert at heart). But, do something you wouldn't normally do. For example, I went to a school dance a few weeks ago, even though I'm normally too stressed from school work and college prep to let loose. But I went anyway, and had some fun.
  5. Sit on the lawn. If you stay after school after a club, sport, or because you live far from school, if it's warm out, just stay outside and read a book or just observe. After all, more vitamin D makes everybody happy!
  6. Pat yourself on the back. You aced that math test? Pat yourself on the back, even if you're already good at it. You know how to exorcise a demon? Pat yourself on the back; it means you were paying attention in Latin class (yes, I know how to exorcise a demon... thanks to learning Latin and Greek stems in English). 
  7. Give yourself a break. There will be days when things just don't go right. You'll be the last one picked in P.E. You'll fail your math test. You'll forget your chemistry homework. You'll lose the debate. You'll forget to study. You'll have migraines. And on these days, you will feel yourself fall from your former glory and all the hard work you put in. Don't dwell on it. So you got a B minus on that Spanish test you studied really hard for, and you want to cry. Go on and cry, boo. But don't let it hold you down. Be like Tenma Tsukamoto (School Rumble). She got all turtles (equivalent to F), but she didn't let it get her down. But you should aim higher than that.
  8. Watch a school-based anime or read a manga. I know, I know. I'm just saying it since I'm an otaku. But really. I recommend Kyoukai no Kanata, Ouran High School Host Club, Free! - Iwatobi Swim Club, and School Rumble. It's really fun to find that one character that is, well, you. Like, you can feel their every emotion. You get their work ethic. You have the same hobbies. The same struggles. The same fantasies. The same goals. For me, those characters are Gou Matsuoka (Free) and Mikoto Suou (School Rumble). 
  9. Travel somewhere with classmates. I get it-- everyone's crazy, how can I spend a whole week with them, blah blah blah. But even do little things, like concerts and trips to amusement parks. If you're like me and you don't like too many people, then just do it with your closest friends, and you'll be surprised how much more likeable people are outside of school.
  10. Give away your notes. I'm not saying help someone cheat, but if you have index cards for a class, and you know an underclassman who will eventually take the course, help them out a little... after all, it's better than throwing them away. This will probably only work for language courses, because there is a specific vocabulary.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I Was NOT Born to Be a Housewife

I burn microwave bacon. I manage to ruin boiled eggs. I destroy ramen. I don't know how to use a washing machine. Washing dishes makes me gag. I forget to pack my own lunch. I leave the dog outside for too long. I can't fold bedding. I don't understand how to file taxes. I can't tie other people's shoes (let's keep in mind I learned to tie my own at a very late age). I try to do good deeds and they always backfire.

There are some things I just wasn't meant to do.

As simple as this statement is, so often I forget that some things I really just can't do. I'm not saying I can't get an A in geometry (which I somehow managed to do last quarter), but some things I'm just not meant to do. I can be on a Varsity volleyball team. I can go into medical school. I can study fashion design. I can publish a book. (I'm totally not rapping "I Can" by Nas right now.)

However, though I have the height for volleyball, I can't serve overhand and my best position is middle hitter. I also haven't played since seventh grade YMCA volleyball. While I could get into a pre-med program, I hate hospitals and have a serious lack of compassion for most sick people. While I can sew, I only do it when it's absolutely necessary (in fact, I am avoiding fixing like, five things right now). While I am an okay writer, it would kill me if anyone saw the personal things I write in my poetry and stories. Maybe I shared some of my stories with y'all in fifth grade, but... I write for different reasons now. All these things show me that even if I can do something, doesn't mean I'm meant to do it.

The problem is, so often I (like many others) tend to focus on the things I can't do. Math doesn't come naturally to me. I am a weakling in gym class. I'm definitely not going to be the class valedictorian. Even though all three of these things matter greatly to me.

I've always wanted to be the very best (cue the Pokemon theme song) at everything I do, even though I know that can't be possible. I've always blamed myself for coming out in second place (I've only placed first in 1st grade academic challenge and county cake decorating in 9th). I've dreamed of being valedictorian/salutatorian since I was very young, so I could prove to others that I can be smart. But obviously, I wasn't meant to do these things.

This reminds me of my favorite(ish) song from Fireflight's album For Those Who Wait, "All I Need to Be."


Tell me again that I am strong.
Tell me again that I won't fall.
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong.
Take me beyond what I can see.
Break me,
Make me believe
That You have made me all I need to be.
...
Who I am is all I've got.
I can't be who I am not anymore.

I don't know what the actual meaning of this song is, but I guess I'll just write from my perspective. In my perspective, it's basically saying that it's time to stop dwelling on the past ("...leaving what's in the past behind") and what you're not ("I can't be who I am not anymore"). It's time to realize that who you are is all you have, and that's all you need. It's about believing that you were made the way you were supposed to be. About not looking to the right or left, but focusing on what you need to do.

This has been something I have struggled with, and to quote Fireflight again, "I know I'm not the only one." It's easy to focus on what's expected of me, or what I've tried and failed. After all, I'm human, aren't I?

It's easy to think the grass is greener on the other side of the street (which isn't true. The grass on my lawn is usually pretty green). This friend has higher grades than me. That friend is prettier than me. That person is ten times more competent than I am in (you fill in the blank). But what's important is focusing on what I was meant to be.

I clearly wasn't born to be a housewife (refer to first paragraph). I wasn't born to be a track star. I wasn't born to be a doctor. I wasn't born to be an author. I'm not supposed to be good at everything.

Everyone is different, and I should understand that, but clearly, I don't. A lot of people don't. As humans, we seem to measure ourselves based off what we've seen of others, to the point where we can't see our own strengths. We know that we are geared toward math and science, yet we feel untalented when around someone better at the arts. We know that we're introverted and sometimes shy, yet we feel the need to force ourselves to conform. If you don't struggle with this, yay for you. But for the rest of us...

Accept what you can't do, remember what you can. Like the old cliche goes: if it's meant to be, it will be. Stop dwelling on what could have been and remember what should be and has been. I'll never make the U.S. Olympic team, as much as I've wanted to since 2002. So. What. Gotta move on! Besides, there's so much more that I am meant to be, and I'm sure the same goes for you.

So, I wasn't born to be a housewife, but I am everything that I need to be, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Attack on Titan Predictions

If you've been reading this blog lately, you may have figured out that I'm really, really into Shingeki no Kyojin, also known in the English world as Attack on Titan.

I started out by watching the anime, due to the ever-growing SNK fandom on Tumblr, and once I finished the first season, I decided to start reading the manga from the beginning. I just completed volume 10, and have come to a shocking prediction, that I am 90% sure just might be true.

If you have not at least finished volume 9 (I recommend reading 10 before reading this post), this post is not for you. If you've read volume 11, then, who knows? Maybe a lot has happened that makes my info completely incorrect or old news. But I haven't read that, so shh.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

After A Difficult Breakup



The title of this post is exactly what it looks like.

That's right. Me, the blogging otaku (otaku by ALL definitions of the word), who has never been in a relationship with a breathing, human boy, has officially gone through a tough breakup.

I have broken up with my Schick razor.


"What happened?" you may ask.

I never wanted it to end this way. I mean... things were going so well. With all that we had, I thought we'd pull through. We did everything together-- we got ready for school dances together (okay... only one, because remember, y'all-- I have no social life), we got ready for church together, we took breaks from homework together, and we even bathed together. In fact, I was so excited for this weekend; we were going to attend a wedding. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Okay. So, maybe it was the Water Tribe or something. I mean, it makes sense. It couldn't have been the Fire Nation because out of my sisters, I am the only one in my family who is, at heart, a fire bender (I took a quiz... I am slightly addicted to personality quizzes, so I take them for EVERYTHING-- I am a Ravenclaw {Harry Potter... never read the books, but...}, a member of the Survey Corps {Attack on Titan / Shingeki no Kyojin}, and I have a white zanpaku-to {Bleach}). And besides, all the bad people (except for Azula... and Ozai... and Sozin... and Azulon... and Zhao... and Book One Zuko...) came from the Water Tribes anyway-- Noatak/Amon, Unalaq, and yeah. But what did that have to do with anything? Let's bring it back to the point. My razor. Okay. Am I the only one who realized I overuse parentheses (or maybe I don't, but I dunno)? NOW! TO THE POINT!

Oh yeah. So my heart's totally broken, right? Yeah, so are my legs. I told you those blades are sharp.

So, I threw myself a mini spa day yesterday. It was all fun and all, aye? I had like, triple-oiled my hair. To be exact, I used olive oil conditioner, straight-up olive oil, and then olive oil serum. Not doing that again. My scalp feels dandruff-free, but my skin is oily as all get up.

Then, after my deep conditioning disaster, I put some mustard on my face, but that's another story for another time. Well, actually, that's all there is to it. It worked well, opening my pores and all, but my mom got really, really mad at me. Apparently using the family supply of mustard is "a waste of money" and "smells bad." Oh, what measures I will go to to ensure my skin stays clear. Which, boy have I been slacking lately. I guess she wouldn't have been so upset had I not sprinted away from her when she asked me what was on my face and threw the mustard back in the refrigerator. I may have run like a stereotypical Kenyan, but so did she.

ANYWAY! Spring Break has ruined my focus. Not that I mind, but, you know. So, what's a spa day without showering, right? I was so excited to spend time with my razor, I had practically broken into song. 'Cause for the first time in forever.... NOTHING'S IN MY WAAAAAAYYYYY! Except for a broken razor.

I'm in the shower, right? I've got olive oil dripping down my back, I'm ready to go, and then... I see it. My decapitated razor.

I can't believe I really just used like, 500 words to describe something that only took a minute to notice but, this is bad. Really bad. Faith (my sis) says that's an easy thing to fix, but I'm no engineer. Wait. I've found my true calling.

Forget musical theatre or becoming an obstetrician or manga translator... I'M GOING TO BE A RAZOR TECHNICIAN!!!!! Why do I feel like that won't work. Oh, the horror.

There may be a spare head that I was given with the razor, but it will never be the same. Here is a collection of my... creative writing inspired by this heartbreaking tragedy.

"When The Razor Loved Me"

When I had my razor
Everything was beautiful
Every shower we spent together
Lives within my heart.
And when I was sad,
It was there to comfort me,
And when I was happy so was it,
When I owned it.

"For Good"

I've heard it said
That razors come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something they must shave
And we are led
To those who help us most to (look flawless?)
If we let them
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I look beautiful today
Because I bought you.

"I'm Never Gonna Shave Again"

I'm never gonna shave again
Guilty feeling, got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.
Should've known better than to cheat a friend
The wasted chance that I've been given
So I'm never gonna shave again
The way I shaved with you.

"Angel" (I really like Sarah McLachlan, okay?)

You're in the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold, tile bathroom
And the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage
...Don't know what she says here...
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find 
Some comfort here.

(Hey! I just got a Sarah McLachlan Spotify update by coincidence! She's got a new song out. Cool.)

"My Shower Will Go On"

You're here
There's nothing I fear
And I know that my shower will go on.
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my shower and
My shower will go on and on...
Mmmmmmmm.......
Mmmmm MMMMM mmmm....

"Do You Wanna Take a Shower?"

Do you wanna take a shower?
Come on, let's go and shave!
I never use you anymore,
Come out the shower door (er... curtain)
It's like you've gone away! (or been decapitated)
We used to be best buddies,
And now we're not.
I wish you would tell me why... (even though I know you're decapitated)
Do you wanna take a shower?
It doesn't have to be a full-length shower!
...Okay, bye.

"Alchemy"

If only we could go back 
Maybe we could change it
Fix a single mistake (in engineering)
Maybe that would save it
Turn the blade around
As it's headed for the drain
But it's all
Been said and done.
I know we can't go back
Baby, we can't change it
Every single bad cut
They were all worth making
I'd do it all again
For the shave before the cut
When it's all
Said and done.
Said and done.
Said and done, (oh oh oh) 
Said and done.

"No Good Shave"

Eleka nahmen mahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen nahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Let my flesh not be torn
Let my blade not be stained
Though it cuts me
Let me feel no pain
Let the blades never break
And however they try to destroy it,
Let it never die!
Let it never die!
Eleka nahmen mahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen mahmen ah tum ah tum eleka, eleka
UGH!
What good is this chanting?
I don't even know what I'm saying!
I don't even know what trick I ought to try.
My razor, where are you?
Already in the trash or bleeding?
One more disaster I can add to my generous supply! (in addition to the mustard mask and olive oil)
No good shave goes unpunished.
No act of pretty-ing goes unresented
No good shave goes unpunished
That's my new creed!
My road of flawless shavings led where such roads always lead.
No good shave
Goes unpunished!
Quattro...
Electronic shavers...
My razor...
MY RAAAAAAAZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!!!!!
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention
Was I really seeking clean?
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good shaves are when looked at with an ice cold eye?
If that's all good shaves are, maybe that's the reason why...
NO GOOD SHAVE GOES UNPUNISHED!
All pretty shavings should be circumvented.
No good shave goes unpunished!
Sure I meant well, 
Well look at what well-meant did!
All right, enough, so be it.
So be it, then.
Let all Ohio be agreed.
I am wicked through and through.
Since I cannot succeed,
My razor, shaving with you,
I promise no good shave
Will I attempt to do again.
Ever again!
No good shave
Will I do...
AGAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN!

I think that's enough. By the way, the songs I just destroyed were:

"When She Loved Me" by Sarah McLachlan for Toy Story 2
"For Good" from Wicked
"I'm Never Gonna Dance Again" by WHAM!
"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan
"My Heart Will Go On" by none other than Celine Dion
"Do You Want to Build A Snowman?" from Frozen
"Alchemy" by Kyler England (the acoustic version is the best, in my opinion)
"No Good Deed" from Wicked

As you can see, I am having a difficult time. In case you are planning to send a bouquet, I am a big fan of roses, carnations, and baby's breath.