The Realization of Growing Up

When I was younger, all I wanted was to grow up. I wanted to start high school. To get my driver's license. To get a boyfriend. To get into National Honor Society. To turn eighteen. To move out of the house. To get married. To have my own children.

Now that I'm older, I am facing the sudden realization that things are actually happening, and the ones that haven't happened will probably happen soon. I'm almost done with high school. I will have a driver's license this spring, most likely. I just turned in my application for my first job. I am getting inducted into NHS next month. Now, I still don't have a boyfriend, and I can't vote in the presidential election until 2020 (I literally JUST miss election day in 2016... thanks to having a November birthday). But aside from marriage, it's all starting to happen.

Don't get me wrong, growing up is exciting. But anyone who has been my age before (which it is likely that you are older than me) knows how this feels. People keep asking me where I want to attend college and what I want to study. Which, I have a pretty solid idea for both, but it's still frustrating. It's finally getting to me that 2015 is going to be the year that determines a lot of things for me. I'll turn in my application for Northwestern. I'll audition for NYU Steinhardt School of Music. I'll audition for a lot of roles, and probably won't get most of them. I'll have to utilize the piggy bank (or, as I call him, Piglet). Everything is changing.

As much as I want to stay the little girl who is a few weeks shy of her sixteenth birthday forever, times are gonna have to change. It's kind of like the song "Sky" by Goose House.

"I wished upon the sky in a dazzling starlight for you to please stay the same as you are. But I know that even the sky I gaze will change in every way."

Entering adulthood is a scary process. It seems far away until it finally dawns upon you that it's less than two years away (for most of my friends, it's a few months away). But even though the changes seem abrupt at first, they shape us into who we are.

And that's how I'm going to end this post, because I can't think of a better way to do so.

Face it and Embrace it: You're Different!

You're different. You're weird. You're unique. No one is like you and you're like no one. You're different. Special. How do you feel about that?

Do you feel insulted? Like you have a place in this world? Like there's something wrong with you? Do you not know how you feel at all?

I'll tell you how I used to feel about that. I'm one special kid, let me tell you. The kind that gets all worked up over something completely nerdy (like Doctor Who or the Olympics or Narnia), is completely peevish over things like chipped nail polish and people writing with pencils and using chalkboards, will show up in an unpredictable outfit--- matchy-matchy sometimes, all over the place another day (and people are all like, "what are you wearing?" Listen up, buddy: Last I checked, you didn't own a Coach bag, or even a pair of heels, so who are you to talk about my outfit?" Yeah, I'm quite peeved). I'm all for art, music and gymnastics, not football, math and high school drama.

I didn't like being different because I was constantly being criticised for it.

Stupid.
People, stop pulling the "stupid" card! We are all unique. I've been called stupid by classmates, teammates, etc. I used to believe it in like, elementary school. At  my current school, people, I think, don't really think that of me. But still. They assume I'll fail the math test (speaking of which, I probably did fail today's Algebra test). They'll say "I bet even Hope knows that!" I used to just laugh along as if it didn't hurt, but guys, it does. No, I am not the best at math--- my only goal is just to pass it so I can graduate on time. But the problem isn't always others. Sometimes, it's you. Do YOU think you're stupid because of something small? Get over it.

Ugly.
Okay, come on. we can't all be Asian. We can't all be muscular or thin. We can't all be tall or short. We can't all look like McKayla Maroney or Aliya Mustafina or those Tumblr models. Ladies, do you expect freshman boys to look like Calvin Klein models? Hopefully not, else you need to snap to reality. I used to have a problem with this. I have to literally GAIN weight to fit into homecoming dresses. I have a pair of cutoffs that I've had since I was eight (and they're still comfy!). Undereye circles. Smaller bust. I look terrible in a leotard. Never picture ready. NEVER. I never liked being 5'8". But then I realized: Many girls would KILL to be my height and maybe they could model, too. Many girls would kill to have my lack of ability to gain weight. No one looks good in a leo, unless your name is McKayla Maroney or Sam Peszek. And who cares about cup size? Seventh grade boys? GET OVER IT. Stop wasting time hating your body and chasing things you'll never have, because you'll never know who sees those "flaws" as perfection.

Stop chasing those who will never chase after you!
I definitely have a problem with this. Just like any other teenage girl. You meet a guy or he's been your friend forever and it just connects. I think he's the one. Long story short, he's not, your heart gets broken, you cry, the world ends. Though I'm not saying don't fall in love, I'm saying that there can be someone out there that notices your differences.. and actually likes them. And you don't notice them because you're too busy noticing someone who will never notice you. So keep your eyes open.

Realize that you can't be---or do---everything.
I was watching the latest episode of "Switched At Birth," and a guy was talking to Daphne, a deaf girl who got a job in his kitchen without him knowing of her disability, and he told her something like this: "You've probably grown up being told that you can be anything you set your mind to. Well I'm going to be honest. You can't.  I can't be a jockey, I'm too tall. My sister can't be a singer on Broadway, she doesn't sing too well. We're all made differently."

That is what really got me writing this post. We all have a different purpose. You can't be everything. And while nothing is impossible with God, there might be a different purpose for your life than becoming an Olympic gymnast and famous musician. You were born for this.

Born for what, exactly?

Born to be different. Stop fitting in and stand out. You are different for a reason. If you find yourself best at music, maybe you should be a sound technician, worship leader, or composer or teacher. If you think engineering is your thing, maybe you could create some things. If you love to write, start a blog or write a book, maybe some songs. You're different. Do something about it.

And if they judge you? They can screw it. Because you wanna know what they're trying to hide?

Summer Poetry: Glistening

I can see the look on your face tonight
It's brighter than the brightest star in heaven
And your smile is white
But I start to see less of it every day,
How it was glistening.
You were chubby, I was short
Now you're slender, I'm 5'9"
It's funny how much we've changed
It's only been four years
Yet we look back and we're not the same.
If I could have one more day of us
If I could see your face, it would be all I need
You're stolen
You're missing
I'm heartbroken
You're glistening.
There's a spark in you that everyone knows
And I want you to keep it right there
Don't ever fall in love with me,
I'll watch you from afar (not to sound like a stalker... sorry, I got out of character).
But you tried to put your joy in my heart
And when you unveil my face one day
You'll see that you've succeeded.

Ten Days and Guess Who's a Freshman?

Yup. This girl, who started this blog as an elementary school home-schooled student, is entering high school. No more being treated like I'm little anymore.

In clubs today, this came across my mind. We separated our club by high and middle school, which I honestly wasn't a fan of because I'm friends/acquainted with many of the high schoolers, and I was the oldest of the middle school students, which many of their maturity levels weren't... well, you get it.

We were practicing a skit and our teacher said, "Why don't you stand in the doorway so I can see you." That doesn't happen when you're in high school because she is a high school teacher and lets them do their own thing. But no. We're younger so we get treated like babies. And I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of being blamed for the stupid acts of one group of kids. The whole middle school half of our school gets a bad reputation because ONE group of kids decides to be bad. All the high schoolers hate us (even my sister), though not personally, especially since they know me.

And another thing about being a freshman? In the middle of the year I almost wanted to be homeschooled again. But then I heard how many kids are leaving for high school, and now I'm psyched for freshman year. Pretty much all of the rude, ignorant kids are leaving and making the school a better environment. Just wait until the sixth graders come in...

Hopefully the maturity levels will grow. And when new kids come---because I know they will---I will find some friends that have the same beliefs as me. Why? Because lately it seems that I've been practically preaching at my friends... like because they don't believe what I believe I've been trying to form them into what I want them to be. And that's not who they want to be. A lot of us are Christians, but a lot of them stand for not-so-conservative stuff... same-sex marriage, homosexuality in general, the idea that there's "seven layers of heaven" and no hell, Jesus not being God's only son... yeah. Lately it seems that I can't get along with my school friends on anything spiritual and it's sad, because I should be able to look to them for encouragement. But if we don't believe similar things, it'll just end in another argument. I do have one school friend that I agree with, though, aside from baby baptism, which I don't really have a side on.

I guess that's where my church family comes in. I love them to death. Literally. I would do ANYTHING for my church family. ANYTHING. Some of my absolute best friends I met at church and I'll be going to the same college as some of them in... oh my gosh, four years. I feel like I could tell them anything. And every time I do a performance for Fine Arts, I always feel amazingly supported (not always extremely confident, though), so I try to return the favor. My church is awesome. And we all believe similar things, LoL.

Along with freshman year comes... dun dun dun... the worship team. You thought I was done talking about that, didn't you? Well honey, I'm not. I'm joining for real this time, in July. So excited. I finally get to give MY feedback, people get to hear MY voice, it'll prepare me for NFAF, and more importantly it's MINISTRY, MUSIC, PRAYER, POETRY and PASSION. Any better combination? Didn't think so.

Your school year is only as good as the summer that comes after it. To fulfill my dream since fourth grade, I'm working extra hard on my vocal solo---because I never knew I could sing until sixth grade and it was just a dream to make Nationals---so that I can make it into the Top Ten. It's gonna be hard--- this is my first year alone at Nationals, this is my second year period, and there are hundreds of singers at Nationals. Hundreds. But I'm gonna try to hit those high notes and be one of the best. Top Ten out of hundreds? And that's the Top Twenty out of like, five hundred girls? Top Fifty out of EVERY SINGER THERE? Impressive.

^^^I'm SICK of this song.^^^

And I get a netbook! However, yesterday ruined my desire for that. I used Faith's netbook to record a song for a History project and... I hate talking about it... I was using Audacity and BAM! deletes an hour of recording, guitar, piano, harpsichord and all. I was excited to get a netbook BECAUSE of Audacity, but now I don't want a netbook at all...

And I get to be in the high school hallway. Maybe.

And I can boss around sixth graders... okay, maybe not.

And I can dye my hair red.

And my boyfriend and I were just talking... JUST KIDDING, no boyfriend here. Yet.

And the bets part---

I get to take ART CLASS! YAY!!!!

Who doesn't love Art? Then again, who doesn't love leaving middle school?

"These Things Will Change..."

I missed Wednesday's Walk yesterday because my mom made us shut down the computer until we did our chores or something of the sort. Tomorrow is my first "RandomNess Friday" and you can link up! (Don't forget to read Prism's blog.) We're still gonna do our Narnia stuff, but for now, I gotta read The Magician's Nephew.
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Honestly, I was going to blog about how much I'm dreading volleyball yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't! We won our game today! I'm loving it! My serve is usually great, (thanks to my coach from last year, Alan) but today it was kinda... well... all over the place. But otherwise, I did good. Our whole team did good. These girls have basically all played junior high school volleyball, so we're a really good team. WHOOO HOO!

The video looks a little small, but I hope you can see it. To tell you the truth, I think it's really weird how like, there's this girl rocking out on her violin, but I can't hear violin, like, anywhere in the song.

This song, anyway, relates to me a lot. It reminds me so much of gymnastics. At the beginning when Taylor says "Somebody else gets what you wanted again", it reminds me of the meets/competitions, really only one meet but gazillion practices, a girl named Megan* and her friend Tori* were good at every event. (although I was really good on the beam and floor, they still did great) Megan was a bigtime vaulter. She was so fast, and she was tall like me. (so I had no excuse for being a slow vaulter.) She was the perfect example of a great gymnast, someone worthy of making the level 5 team. Or was she really worthy of making the team?

Physically, yes. Mentally, no. She was rude. To me, she wasn't. Towards her mom, she was. Very annoying. She always talked back (to the coach, I'm not sure, but I think so) and I couldn't understand why i tried so hard and she still was better than me.

Then there's Tori. The typical middle school cheerleader. Her attitude was the average cheerleader behavior. I'm a cheerleader, I'm not snobby. But I also don't cheer anymore. Kayla is a cheerleader, but she's friendly. Tori isn't.

Tori didn't talk back, (and this is before she was a cheerleader.) and she was kinda nice. To me, at least. But she was a huge perfectionist. If the springboard was slightly out of place, she perfected it. What kind of nerd does that--- WHAT THE HECK???!!!!

She bruised easily. That's her skin, she can't control that. But Tori.... oh Tori. Drama Queen all the way. Once, she bruised on the vault when she fell at practice, (we all got hurt that day, especially me. I had to vault on a cut foot, and she's the one complaining?) and she was crying for so long, we were on the beam and she's still crying. Baby, baby, baby--- annoying.

Tori was great on the floor. At practice, when we knew our dance routines well enough, my coach would turn off the music ("I'll Find My Own Way" by Harry Gregson-Williams from the X-Men Wolverine sountrack) after every single mistake made. Tori and I had good technique, so we both had the longest timing. Her routine was almost flawless, but she messed up on our easiest skill, a handstand forward-roll. At the very end of the routine. A skill I had perfectly, and the way I did it was even compared to the way my coach did it. But Tori could dance better. Tori already had her back walkover. Tori almost had her back handspring. Tori had great balance.

Megan was strong. Megan had her front handspring on the floor and back handspring on the wedge. She was great at tucks. Her tumbling skills were unbelievable. her balance was crazy good.

So here's what happened:  We had a competition last March and it was my first time as a level 4, a very respected level at our YMCA. Our first event was floor. "I'm gonna win this." Or so I thought.

During this time, I was very achy from whatever happened to my hip, and could not do the splits. Bad, because that was the beginning of my routine. I couldn't make the back walkover, ya all know that. My legs split in the middle of my back handspring/flic flac/flip flop/lions' leap. I ended the routine perfectly, but it didn't matter at that point, because as usual, Tori did it perfectly.

On beam, I failed worse than that. I fell, one too many times. Megan admitted (her words!) "I was afraid Hope was gonna win. I was surprised she didn't." Well, she won. Because she's really good. She won vault,  also, and I got bronze. Not too shabby there. But that didn't matter. 26.2 points. Second-to-last in the all-around, and only beat the last place girl by .1 points. Embarrassing for both of us.

But Marnie* said "Everyone wil be last, sometimes it's you." She was after me in the all-around, and when she said that, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I felt bad for her, and knew that we needed to practice and then it would work.

Victory isn't easy. "Rome wasn't built overnight..." is one of those inspiring sayings. So I keep practicing, and maybe I'll make it to victory. And maybe I have level 5 in store for me someday.

Those things will change, I'll see it soon. Don't be discouraged, because it will only bring you further down. Do everything with no regrets and you're sure to shine!

*Names changed so I wouldn't be a gossip.