Trust

I am waves on the water
Not still in any way.
If you think you can see through me
You haven't swam beneath the surface
Because I know
I am not who you think I am.
I know
Because there is a whole lot of everything
That you know nothing about
And I have never told you.
I can't trust
Not when I've been judged
I can't trust
Too much has gone sour
I can't trust
Don't let me get hurt again
I won't trust
I will never trust.

-Hope A. Ezell (an excerpt from my journal)

(Just so you know, I am in a much better place than I was when I wrote this poem. I don't even remember what I was upset about.)

Path of Time

Once upon a time I used to care
When we were everything to each other
When you were who I wanted to be.
Somewhere along the path of time we lost it
We were close to each other
When you were a friend to me.
At this time I don't even care and I want you to get out of my life.
Right now. Today.
I still love you, but leaving is what you need.
I do not know you, stranger. Leave. Now.
Why are you still here? I'm done with you. Leave.
Somewhere along the path of time we lost it
And now it's out of control.
I used to care and I don't anymore.
Why are you still here?
LEAVE.

Phantom Beam of Light

It's funny
A beam of light can hold a thousand memories
Of pain, of love, of hate
Of every emotion in between
But the most captivating thing is how haunted it is.
Three thousand lives.
Same fate.
September 11, 2001.
We say we'll never forget
And how can we?
But still it's funny,
And funny things aren't always humourous,
But what's so amazing
Is that
Three thousand lives
Were taken that day
And a phantom beam of light
Is all it takes
To remember.
 

Summer Poetry: Eyes Awakened

Awaken me,
That's what I've been asking
Like I can't do this on my own
And I know I can't
I need You to open my eyes for just one second
And let me see
All the plans You have in store for me
Awaken my eyes,
I'm tired of being blind
...This...
             ...Changes...
...Every
            thing...

Summer Poetry: Glistening

I can see the look on your face tonight
It's brighter than the brightest star in heaven
And your smile is white
But I start to see less of it every day,
How it was glistening.
You were chubby, I was short
Now you're slender, I'm 5'9"
It's funny how much we've changed
It's only been four years
Yet we look back and we're not the same.
If I could have one more day of us
If I could see your face, it would be all I need
You're stolen
You're missing
I'm heartbroken
You're glistening.
There's a spark in you that everyone knows
And I want you to keep it right there
Don't ever fall in love with me,
I'll watch you from afar (not to sound like a stalker... sorry, I got out of character).
But you tried to put your joy in my heart
And when you unveil my face one day
You'll see that you've succeeded.

Next Time You Point a Finger...

I told you I wanted to be your bestie,
Remember that?
We were the top of the game
Nothing could stop us?
Well, nothing could stop me at least.
So today you decided to call me a little kid
You decided to say you don't like me.
Good to know we still have a few things in common,
Because I was thinking the exact same things about you.
Of course, I would've added more and I wouldn't have been a wimp
Like you
Like the fact that I wouldn't have acted like a stupid panda bear and would have said it to my face.
Why?
Because that's what big girls do, sweetie.
Or are you not caught up... even though you're older?
(This feels sooo good right now...)
We went to camp together
We sat together
We talked together
But we were keeping secrets from each other.
I didn't know you didn't like me
You didn't know I didn't like you
Which is a fact you were obviously blind to.
You called me a little kid today
But you look like a two-year-old wearing her mom's clothes
You hang out with kids who are almost in college,
Remember you're still in middle school
And I'm not the only one who thinks this.
And you bring your problems into everything.
If it's a testimony, alright
But this is everyday.
Sorry sweetie, I can't say it any other way:
GET OVER IT.
No one likes hearing a repetitive story.
Who's the little kid now?
Choice A: The girl who chooses to be happy and not ruin everyone's day
Or
Choice B: The brat who drowns everyone in the ocean of stupid?
Who wins?
So you don't like me, huh?
Well then,
Consider this fair warning.
Don't even bother talking to me---
Ever.
Don't even bother asking me to sit with you---
Ever.
Don't even bother bossing me around again---
Ever.
Don't even bother looking at me---
Ever.
Why do I have to stoop so low?
Why did you?
I will admit neither of us are winning
But I'll do anything to get away from you.
Get away from me,
Don't even say "hi."
Just go.
You wanna ignore me?
I'll show you what you did to me.
I love how you point every last finger at me
But look!
There's a mirror!
Keep your fingers outstretched and look at yourself
Now look who's under fire.

P.S. Do you wanna avoid your name being included? Consider this Strike Two. One more strike and I'm coding your name into another poem. You're lucky I'm being nice right now.

-H

Simple Summer Day

My mind is cleared of worries
I can put my soul at rest
Only temporarily, of course
But this feeling is the best.
It's a simple summer day
In Ohio,
Today
And it's just me and the river
The forest
The sun
And a few close friends
A time of year when everyone's a bohemian---
Floral dresses, shirts, skirts
Flowers in their hair.
I love the feeling of belonging.
Then there's freedom.
No:
"Remember to check ProgressBook"
"You're gonna be late for your bus"
"I'm too busy"
It's just the life I've wanted to live all year.
I get to do everything I've wanted to:
Out of school,
Violin lessons,
Learn new guitar chords,
Play my piano
Admire my bass
Practice my vocal solo for Nationals
Summer camp
County fair
Legendary funnel cakes
And swimming in my friend's pool.
I don't have to deal with snobs for another whole three months and I finally have time to focus on what really matters to me.
I can't think of a better feeling,
But then again,
That's just me:)

Frames

At firstAll you see
Is what you believe to be me
The girl with the iPod in her hand
The flower on the side of her head
But do they know me?
I wear a constant smile no one would would dare think fake
My thumbs point up to the sky when they want to fall to the ground
I'm just tired
Tired
Bored with myself
I'm patiently waiting for you to step in.
Don't you notice I'm quiet?
Don't you notice I won't speak?
Don't you notice all I know is apathy?
I've always admired those who aren't afraid
Afraid to fall
Afraid to cry
Those who don't care who sees them breaking down.
Well of course I'm not like that
It's frustrating
My brown eyes are dry
Tears won't fall
Unless they aren't supposed to.
What got me here?
Myself, I guess.
I used to know how to smile
I used to know how to cry
I used to know how to live
The way I used to be.
But whatever
"Stupid"
"Can't do anything right"
"Stay silent because it's not worth hearing your voice"
Don't believe these lies,
Don't make these mistakes,
Because you'll end up this way.
Not happy
Not alive
Not feeling... anything.
Still think you know me?
Ha.
Partially you do because
At first
All you see
Is what you believe to be me
The girl with the iPod in her hand
The flower on her head
But do they know me?
Not really.

Escape

You'd got me obsessed
Now I'm depressed
Weighing on my shoulders
Little devil, little angel
(Pretend this poem rhymes.)
Dark, I know...
But this was the only feeling I knew
24 hours ago.
I have to let go, darling
I loved you but it's holding me back
I'm making this miserable for the both of us.
I wanted it to be a secret
I wanted you to know
They told you
I kept silent
I regret.
I regret saying nothing.
I regret ignoring you
Because whether I want to face it or not
There's a love greater than me that I want you to see
You think no one loves you, I thought Jesus loved you...
I thought I loved you...
But only God knows your destiny
All I can do is pray
Time won't escape
Time won't escape
And you won't escape
Before it's too late.

Fourteen Paths

Why fourteen, you say?
Why? Because you turn fourteen today.
You know who you are
I know who you are
Perhaps you're flattered,
Perhaps you're not.
Either way odds aren't ever in our favor
But we'll fight
To the death.
Fourteen paths, there are
But only one leads to eternity's way.
There's lust,
There's hate,
There's covet,
There's murder,
There's violence,
There's apathy,
There's silence,
There's revenge,
There's greed,
There's jealousy,
There's anger,
There's distractions,
There are lies,
There is a straight, narrow path.
Fourteen ways...
Which will you take?
Yeah, you.
With the smile like dawn (innocent?).
You weren't mine, but I wouldn't let go until you were mine (desperate jealousy).
I didn't tell you, I was afraid (my stupid, apathetic silence).
And you're distracted.
I want to tell you that yes there is a place
The hellfire we've all been running from
You may believe it isn't there
But darling I'm afraid to tell you it is
I know it is
Trust me.
Once
Just this once
Follow me
I'll take the lead
To the stairs to heaven,
I know they're there
Trust me.

Fell Down the Rabbit Hole

I fell down the rabbit hole
Head over heels
Didn't know what I was in for
I just knew I was up for a spin.
Dancing with smoke
Playing with fire
Daring to go anywhere someone said no
Not to try
Not to go near you
But the rebellion rose
And I fell down the rabbit hole
Head over heels
For you.

White Lillies

Look at that white lilly dress
Swiftly moving down the aisle.
Look at the color I may never wear on a day like this.
Sure, maybe I will
But I'm not seeing that.
All I can see right now is you, mister
And you're with her.
I say I don't care and I can act it, too
You know--- walk the talk
I can walk the talk but I can't believe it
And if I can't believe it I can't live it either.
The use of saying this is nothing because you already know
It'd be less obvious on a billboard
But it doesn't matter now
Because when you could have been mine
I avoided you in silence
When I should have, could have, spoken.
But too many voices were speaking,
Mine would never be heard.
So here you know without my thoughts be heard
Tiny quirks,
I'm sorry I never make anything work
I'm sorry I'm not like her
But no need to be.
Different people, different directions, I know
So I'll just live on my own for now
And meet you far down down the road
When today was so long ago...

Sidelines

Been standing on the
                                 s  d  l   n   s
                                   i   e  i   e
for all my life now
And stepping back while time runs thin
Slowly,
Slowly,
S
l
o
w
l
y.
I got myself to take a stand
But was too weak to take it to the end.
I wanted to say three words,
Oh just three words
Three words
I wanted to say to you.
Never did.
So here I stand watching you pass by
And there you go watching me pass by
And we act like strangers in the presence of each other.
We stop and stare and I wonder what's still there...
What you're thinking of me,
What you once were thinking of me.
I love you, did you ever love me?
No, I don't think so.
You're happy with her
And I'm better off alone
So goodbye, my love.
I would blow a kiss in your direction and I would be brave enough to say this to your face
But it doesn't matter now does it?
You wouldn't see me...
Would you???

The Puppet

I turn around."Where are you?" I ask, eyes fixed on each corner of the room.
"Right here," it whispers behind my back, daring me to turn back... again.
I will not. I can't.
I can't go back to that dark road,
Step into that deadly fate.
Not even across its borders.
Confused I am, looking all around.
"Can't you see me? I'm right here," It hisses, like I've been blind all along.
And maybe I have been.
But if I am blind to this particular thing, then I can care less.
Only I don't.
Part of me wants to look back, and the mortal side of me gets the best of me.
I turn around to see who is right here, and I see who I am most afraid of.
I see who I thought I would see...
Who I knew I would see...
                                           ...Me.
"Who are you?" I ask, as if I don't already know. I don't ask because I don't know, I ask because I want answers, no matter what they are.
She doesn't answer, but I know who she is.
I examine to find differences and am relieved that I do--- she's full of scars and bruises.
Each one slowly reminding me of different failures in which I have trained myself to forget.
But the longer I remember, the more identical we become.
She only has twelve scars, but I see thirteen on my skin.
Her eyes are blue, but mine are turning black.
She remains, but I am turning gray and I lift my hands, both now transparent.
I try to scream, but my voice has been turned off, like I am someone's puppet.
"Don't you know who I am?" She finally responds, though her timing could have been, I don't know, a little sooner.
I can see she has a cold, cold heart.
"I've been here all along. I'm controlling what you're doing right now. You're a slave to me---you---and you never even tried to stop it, little moron."
Controlling what I'm doing right now...
She means it's my fault for allowing my life to go this way?
She's saying it's me who has enslaved myself?
And if she is me, why is she calling me a moron? I never called myself that...
Did I?
Face it.
I'm the moron.
The slave.
The helpless peasant.
I am the one causing all this.
And I'm doing nothing about it, letting life pass by.
Not anymore.
                      I go back to the start.
I listen to a different voice, one singing a heavenly song.
Soprano, alto, bass, countertenor, baritone... every range.
Flute, violin, harp, trumpets, loud cymbals... perfect harmony.
I'm on a narrow road, scars fading faster now with every step.
Healing.
Misty rain washes away the ashes.
And I am a new person, past completely erased
And here I've finally found my place
Here,
Right here.

In a Mirror. (The Glass Heart.)

I stare at my reflection in that dark, cold piece of glass.
                                                                                       It is that substance my heart resembles
                            And with every teardrop it crumbles.
Like when you're trying to carry water in your hands without leaking any,
My heart is fragile and must be handled carefully.
Some call it lack of confidence, I say it has no name.
Because there is a bigger problem within me.
...Fear...
They say there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
I lived in fear.
I was terrified to look into that cold mirror,
And shivers freeze my spine when I touch it even to this day,
Because that shame I felt inside didn't go away.
There is a bigger problem inside of me. It's not
...Me...
It's what is holding me together just barely.
A glass heart.
The glass heart.
It is my glass heart.

Amazed.

I stand amazed.
Amazed to see Your amazing grace
Raining down and yet I hide my face.
Don't wanna show You where I've been.
I hear the silence.
Listening to hear Your muffled voice
When every eye will see
And every ear will hear
The love
That's been here forever.
And You look at me
And You see in me
Someone whose heart has been shattered.
And You speak to me
In words that I can't
Hear if I keep speaking.
And my heart, it cries
You I desire
I'm not ashamed to make You known.
It's You I need
With everything
Reveal Your heart to me...
          ...Tonight...

Spark a Heart

You don't know you make my heart sink
        o
        w
        n
Whenever you look at me.
You ignite a spark, dearest.
It's that        p
                   a
                   r
                   k
That gives off light to reach me
To my soul.
It could not be touched,
Could not be reached
Unless someone came with a key
To come on,        w
                           a
                           k
                           e
                           n
Me slowly.
...I'm sleeping...
I kept my emotions under lock and key.
                                       o
                                       s
                                       t
The key. Didn't know where it was.
Then out of the blue, here comes you
The person I could finally talk to.
I saw, no use
No use of ruining this...
That you were the one I could trust when I couldn't tell anyone else,
That you were the one I believed when everyone else lied,
And then the light faded to black.
I saw what I was               l
                                         i
                                        n
                                        d
To, I used to only see good in you
And this sudden change was a sudden
   i
  g
  h
  t
 m
 a
 r
 e.
It's alright.
Because in good times there are bad,
In sunsets there are rises,
And in pain there is beauty.
You ignite a spark.
You have the key to my heart.
You have my faith.
Don't do anything to change it.
Why?
...Because...
You ignite a spark, dearest
You ignite a spark.
You ignite a spark, dearest
You can spark a heart.

Dead to This World

Open my eyes.
Let me see the brokenness inside
The hearts of them,
The seven billion
That I never cared to reveal the love I've found to.
Too many times I've said "I believed" in the past tense
And didn't take the step to turn it into present.
I couldn't see what I was doing, I was blind to You.

Shut out the distractions.
Let me find what I'm missing inside
The empty soul,
The quiet ghost
That I left asleep in a dark room.
Too many times I've put You on a shelf and said "Maybe later"
When God, I know I need You now.
I couldn't hear Your callings, I was deaf to You.

Turn off my fears.
Make me fearless and give me the desire
To know what love is
To never break apart from You.
I don't wanna be the one to turn away but wow I came awful close
And who knows where I'd be if time closed on me.
I was too careful, I was dead to You.

I'm done.
I'm done with cookie-cutter Christian talk.
I'm done with not reading the signs.
I'm done with putting my beliefs on bookshelves
Like homework I don't care to do.
I'm done denying the truth.
No more hiding from the truth.
Because the truth is who You are and You are the truth,
Be my northern star and help my life reflect You.
Because I see You, You're my desire
And I am dead to this world,
Alive in what is higher.

This is Goodbye

"Goodbye,"
I said to you.
Those painful words making me cry
As I watched you fade away.
I wanted to love you
I wanted you to know
That no matter what
I'd still love you so
Forever.
So this is goodbye, I guess
And I shall run away from you
Like a handkerchief waving goodbye.

Voiceover

Smile, hide your pain.
Laugh, hide your tears.
Walk, you're too strong to crawl.
Courageous, until you break.
                  This is how we live, this is how we strive
                  In this stupid world, who even wants to try?
                  Try to go on when there's nowhere to be,
                  Try to find a place when all you find is Hide-and-Seek.
                  All hide, no seek.
Put on a brave face, don't let 'em see your weakness.
Put your real self on a shelf and forget the gift you have...
                    Just a moment.
Release the pain in the flames of your heart.
Let the water flow out your oceanic eyes,
Let the signs of weakness pour out in the stream.
It's okay to cry, but we need to try,
Here I know I belong, though there's nowhere to be,
Hide-and-Seek, maybe I've found seek.
                        I can't do it alone, this I know,
                        I'm taking the love I can give...
              Give...
               It...
            Just...
                     One...
                  Moment...