At Drama Towne High School, it was spring. That meant, fundraisers, sport tryouts, spring break and more. But in May, it was something more important for 11th and 12th graders. Prom time. Girls would start shopping for a dress, and boys would start shopping for tuxes. But for one girl, prom night would change her life--- forever. Sarina DioGara was a Junior in high school. She was the king's daughter. Everything seemed to go right when she got the perfect date, the perfect dress, and was elected Prom Queen. But from there, things traveled downward. "I can't go to prom" said Sarina's date. "But you have to! It's tomorrow!" She protested. "I'm sorry, I can't go. My grandmother is in the hospital and we're visiting her." "Oh." she said. "Well then bye!" she said. "But sar---" But then she hung up. Then an hour later Sarina was told coffee was spilled on her dress and she would have to wear her mom's. Sarina coughed as she opened the 20 year old box. The dress was pretty, compared to the other expensive dresses, so she decided to wear it. Then, the next day Sarina was told that all the limousines in town were booked, but she'd have a good enough car.
------------------------------
By now, it was prom night, and Sarina was in the spotlight. With her twin brother as a date, they walked to the door--- only to find out no car was there. 10 minutes went by, then 30 minutes, then an hour. Finally a car honked. The car was not a BIT descent. The side view mirrors fell off, and Sarina wasn't feeling comfortable about going. But she went.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After 10 minutes in the car, she heard something. Gunshots. Gunshots shooting everyone in view. Sarina told the driver and her brother to duck. But they didn't believe her. So she ducked anyways, by herself, not knowing what to say. She knew she might as well say goodbye to the world now, so she did. Sarina couldn't help but be scared. She had all the faith in the world, promising her life. But little did she know about the other two. Would her brother go to Heaven or Hell? Where would the driver go? She ducked again, before becoming unconcscious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Sarina woke up, she thought she was living in a horror movie. But it was real. Her brother died, the driver died, leaving only her alive. She wanted to cry, with pain and sadness. She had been shot in her right arm and in both legs. She stayed in the car, waiting for someone to show up. Sarina dialed 911 and luckily was taken out of the car, not being thought of as a suspect. She didn't believe in suicide, so why would she shoot herself? Sarina was taken to a nearby hospital for nearly a week with severe bruises. Sarina wondered, was prom night the last night to see her brother? Would she see him again someday in Heaven?
Ok this wasgood but there are things you can do to improve it!!
ReplyDelete1st. I think you should describe a little more about the surroundings, like for instance, descibe what her date and prom dress looked like, describe a little more how the car looked, like...As Sarina looked at the dirt covered, broken down, pick up truck, she thought oh this is terrible.
And when there driving, describe where they were driving through, like a bad end of town or a dark back road. Then describe a little more about the shootings,Like.. All the sudden shooting shounds filled the air, "Was it just lightening?" sarina wondered as she realized it was a gun fireing. Also you need to be specific, were the shots fireing at them? OrJust around them? And You need to explain what happened all we know is she was ducking then she went unconscience?!?! Ok Explain what happened were did she get shot, How long till she realized that she was shot? Was she shocked when she was shot, was there pain? Then did her brother and driver die in the car, or in the hospital, what did they crash into? Cause it would be okward for a shooting to happen and they just perfectly stop the car after being shot, in the middle of the road. And when she woke up were was she? on the side of the road? Was she questioned with what happened? It'sgood I think it needs to be a bit longer for a chapter, most books this would be a parahgragh,keep it alive with the surroundings what is the day like what is the weather? Thats pretty much it But its good!!