Sometimes Be Romantic, Always Realistic.

"Life isn't always romantic. Sometimes, it's realistic."
-Ezra Fitzgerald (Pretty Little Liars)

Like I've mentioned many times before, I love to dream. I also love being logical. Not a good mix, I guess. But it can be.

Being a dreamer and thinking with logic contradicts itself easily. I mean, I believe I can fly, but that defies the laws of gravity. See how weird that is?

I love being a romantic. I dream about everything, especially love. But take a step back into reality. Sometimes, an issue arises when you have to realize that you can't sit around dreaming. Things happen, and you have to understand that life isn't always perfect, but it will never fail to be real.

If there's anything about freshman year that hasn't wasted my time, it's learning. Not about math (not even close), but about myself. I have discovered who I really am. For one, I've discovered that...


Well, I strongly dislike MOST people, anyways. But that's not it.

But I've discovered that my so-called dreaming is ruining my reality, destroying it piece by piece. I expect something, I don't get it, I lecture myself in my mind about how stupid I was. Same cycle over and over.

"I go back and forth and then forth and then back and then round in circles..."
-Anthem Lights

You know, mind of mine, this is starting to get old. Does anyone else feel like me? I can't really describe how I feel. Right now, I feel like a toddler who just doesn't know how to communicate.

"There is so much pain, you know? And I don't know how to not notice it."
-Perks of Being a Wallflower (movie)

Sorry with all these quotes, but by now you should know I'm a little less than professional on this blog. This is the one place I can write and really be... me. Everything else is just a modified version of me and my art. Except for in my journal. But here, I can actually talk to someone, even if that someone happens to be 20 people. It's still someone, and not someone who's gonna try to talk to me about things I'd rather not. This blog runs like a mini version of my mind--- chaotic, off-topic, quirky. And I like that you can see that.

My Language Art and US History teachers would both be poking at my writing right now, thinking this is a horrible post. But this isn't for a grade, and this is me, unedited. No editors checking my work, no revisions. Straight from my mind, every typo, every grammatical error.

And you know, right now, at 11:48 p.m. ET is when I realize what this blog is about. It's about my life, and somehow trying to make sense of it and see if it relates to yours. My Life, and YOURS. It's about all my imperfections, because I know someone else feels the same--- someone has to. I know that I can touch someone with my life, with my thoughts, with my problems. Real life isn't edited, and that's exactly what this blog is. I used to delete my "angry posts," but you might have noticed I don't do that anymore. That rage I was feeling in the moment is nothing to be ashamed of, and might be able to help someone.

And right now, at 12:00 a.m. ET, I realize how much I have strayed away from the original topic. Yup, if this were a school paper, this girl would have an F. Not too surprised, though. I mean, I've pretty much given up on most of what school has to offer. I've tried my hardest and still colleges are gonna have a hard time accepting me. I don't know why school is so hard for me, I don't have any disabilities. I'm just not good at this.

I just forgot what I ate for dinner. Oh, right. Lasagna. Never mind. Carry on.

Back to the topic I left off on, since this post doesn't have a real structure going on. You know, I realized that I can't be good at everything and I gotta accept it. I don't have a 4.0. So... accept it. Some people are flaunty about their grades and make my Bs sound like Fs. So... stop hanging around them. How I over complicate things sometimes.

I am really sorry about how poorly-written this post is. I just really needed to say something. Because if I speak it either no one will hear or I won't have the courage to speak at all. Another thing I must talk about which draws us back in to the original topic...

Romantics. How cute we can be. Well, today I am just, you know, scrolling through Facebook and I see one of my favorite couples (a couple that I actually know in real life). I see a ring on the girl's finger and think to myself, "FINALLY!" I've known the groom-to-be since he was younger than I currently am. I listen to his music. And now he's tying the knot. I'm so proud of both of them. I adore couples like them and his parents, and I can't wait for that to be me, about to get married, "young and dumb and in love."

And that saddens me.

Right now, I'm not sure if that'll ever be me. I don't want to love anyone right now. I don't want to trust anyone right now. And I know I'm only a freshman and people tell me I have a lot of time, but it's hard not to be worried when everyone around you is changing and becoming their own person and you feel like you're falling behind.

I feel like I'm falling behind.

I mean, there have been so many guys I've thought I've loved to the point where I just don't wanna fall for anyone anymore. You may be thinking, "pssh, you're a fourteen-year-old girl. You don't like anyone? Not even One Direction? Don't you have hormones?"

Let me answer those questions. Yes, I do have hormones, but when I do like a guy, it's long term. I can like someone forever, I can love them forever. It's only when I'm hurt when that cycle has to end. When I know it's only hurting me. And no, I actually kinda hate One Direction.

So I guess I'm kinda thankful for being single. I can easily detach myself from something bad without a breakup. But I still feel alone kinda.

And the problem is, I think I am starting to like this one guy and I hate it. I really do hate it. I don't want to swoon every time he walks by. I don't want to dress up pretty for him (I like my sweatpants, thank you very much), especially because my school is freezing and I gravitate toward my ugly and warm clothes much more than my cold and pretty ones. And lastly...

I don't want to fall for him. Because I know how much it won't progress. I know that guys don't like me. They just don't. I mean, I really am not that pretty and I can admit it without insecurity. I am not depressed about it, just stating a fact.

Maybe God just doesn't want me to have a boyfriend right now. Maybe He doesn't even want me to get married. I really want to, but...

Life isn't gonna be the way I want it to be. Sometimes, it's the way it has to be. So, Hope, suck it up.