Thursday, April 3, 2014

After A Difficult Breakup

The title of this post is exactly what it looks like.

That's right. Me, the blogging otaku (otaku by ALL definitions of the word), who has never been in a relationship with a breathing, human boy, has officially gone through a tough breakup.

I have broken up with my Schick razor.

"What happened?" you may ask.

I never wanted it to end this way. I mean... things were going so well. With all that we had, I thought we'd pull through. We did everything together-- we got ready for school dances together (okay... only one, because remember, y'all-- I have no social life), we got ready for church together, we took breaks from homework together, and we even bathed together. In fact, I was so excited for this weekend; we were going to attend a wedding. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Okay. So, maybe it was the Water Tribe or something. I mean, it makes sense. It couldn't have been the Fire Nation because out of my sisters, I am the only one in my family who is, at heart, a fire bender (I took a quiz... I am slightly addicted to personality quizzes, so I take them for EVERYTHING-- I am a Ravenclaw {Harry Potter... never read the books, but...}, a member of the Survey Corps {Attack on Titan / Shingeki no Kyojin}, and I have a white zanpaku-to {Bleach}). And besides, all the bad people (except for Azula... and Ozai... and Sozin... and Azulon... and Zhao... and Book One Zuko...) came from the Water Tribes anyway-- Noatak/Amon, Unalaq, and yeah. But what did that have to do with anything? Let's bring it back to the point. My razor. Okay. Am I the only one who realized I overuse parentheses (or maybe I don't, but I dunno)? NOW! TO THE POINT!

Oh yeah. So my heart's totally broken, right? Yeah, so are my legs. I told you those blades are sharp.

So, I threw myself a mini spa day yesterday. It was all fun and all, aye? I had like, triple-oiled my hair. To be exact, I used olive oil conditioner, straight-up olive oil, and then olive oil serum. Not doing that again. My scalp feels dandruff-free, but my skin is oily as all get up.

Then, after my deep conditioning disaster, I put some mustard on my face, but that's another story for another time. Well, actually, that's all there is to it. It worked well, opening my pores and all, but my mom got really, really mad at me. Apparently using the family supply of mustard is "a waste of money" and "smells bad." Oh, what measures I will go to to ensure my skin stays clear. Which, boy have I been slacking lately. I guess she wouldn't have been so upset had I not sprinted away from her when she asked me what was on my face and threw the mustard back in the refrigerator. I may have run like a stereotypical Kenyan, but so did she.

ANYWAY! Spring Break has ruined my focus. Not that I mind, but, you know. So, what's a spa day without showering, right? I was so excited to spend time with my razor, I had practically broken into song. 'Cause for the first time in forever.... NOTHING'S IN MY WAAAAAAYYYYY! Except for a broken razor.

I'm in the shower, right? I've got olive oil dripping down my back, I'm ready to go, and then... I see it. My decapitated razor.

I can't believe I really just used like, 500 words to describe something that only took a minute to notice but, this is bad. Really bad. Faith (my sis) says that's an easy thing to fix, but I'm no engineer. Wait. I've found my true calling.

Forget musical theatre or becoming an obstetrician or manga translator... I'M GOING TO BE A RAZOR TECHNICIAN!!!!! Why do I feel like that won't work. Oh, the horror.

There may be a spare head that I was given with the razor, but it will never be the same. Here is a collection of my... creative writing inspired by this heartbreaking tragedy.

"When The Razor Loved Me"

When I had my razor
Everything was beautiful
Every shower we spent together
Lives within my heart.
And when I was sad,
It was there to comfort me,
And when I was happy so was it,
When I owned it.

"For Good"

I've heard it said
That razors come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something they must shave
And we are led
To those who help us most to (look flawless?)
If we let them
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I look beautiful today
Because I bought you.

"I'm Never Gonna Shave Again"

I'm never gonna shave again
Guilty feeling, got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.
Should've known better than to cheat a friend
The wasted chance that I've been given
So I'm never gonna shave again
The way I shaved with you.

"Angel" (I really like Sarah McLachlan, okay?)

You're in the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold, tile bathroom
And the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage
...Don't know what she says here...
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find 
Some comfort here.

(Hey! I just got a Sarah McLachlan Spotify update by coincidence! She's got a new song out. Cool.)

"My Shower Will Go On"

You're here
There's nothing I fear
And I know that my shower will go on.
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my shower and
My shower will go on and on...
Mmmmm MMMMM mmmm....

"Do You Wanna Take a Shower?"

Do you wanna take a shower?
Come on, let's go and shave!
I never use you anymore,
Come out the shower door (er... curtain)
It's like you've gone away! (or been decapitated)
We used to be best buddies,
And now we're not.
I wish you would tell me why... (even though I know you're decapitated)
Do you wanna take a shower?
It doesn't have to be a full-length shower!
...Okay, bye.


If only we could go back 
Maybe we could change it
Fix a single mistake (in engineering)
Maybe that would save it
Turn the blade around
As it's headed for the drain
But it's all
Been said and done.
I know we can't go back
Baby, we can't change it
Every single bad cut
They were all worth making
I'd do it all again
For the shave before the cut
When it's all
Said and done.
Said and done.
Said and done, (oh oh oh) 
Said and done.

"No Good Shave"

Eleka nahmen mahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen nahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Let my flesh not be torn
Let my blade not be stained
Though it cuts me
Let me feel no pain
Let the blades never break
And however they try to destroy it,
Let it never die!
Let it never die!
Eleka nahmen mahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen mahmen ah tum ah tum eleka, eleka
What good is this chanting?
I don't even know what I'm saying!
I don't even know what trick I ought to try.
My razor, where are you?
Already in the trash or bleeding?
One more disaster I can add to my generous supply! (in addition to the mustard mask and olive oil)
No good shave goes unpunished.
No act of pretty-ing goes unresented
No good shave goes unpunished
That's my new creed!
My road of flawless shavings led where such roads always lead.
No good shave
Goes unpunished!
Electronic shavers...
My razor...
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention
Was I really seeking clean?
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good shaves are when looked at with an ice cold eye?
If that's all good shaves are, maybe that's the reason why...
All pretty shavings should be circumvented.
No good shave goes unpunished!
Sure I meant well, 
Well look at what well-meant did!
All right, enough, so be it.
So be it, then.
Let all Ohio be agreed.
I am wicked through and through.
Since I cannot succeed,
My razor, shaving with you,
I promise no good shave
Will I attempt to do again.
Ever again!
No good shave
Will I do...

I think that's enough. By the way, the songs I just destroyed were:

"When She Loved Me" by Sarah McLachlan for Toy Story 2
"For Good" from Wicked
"I'm Never Gonna Dance Again" by WHAM!
"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan
"My Heart Will Go On" by none other than Celine Dion
"Do You Want to Build A Snowman?" from Frozen
"Alchemy" by Kyler England (the acoustic version is the best, in my opinion)
"No Good Deed" from Wicked

As you can see, I am having a difficult time. In case you are planning to send a bouquet, I am a big fan of roses, carnations, and baby's breath.

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