Wednesday, November 2, 2016

I Cam Back Just to Let You Know I Don't Support Trump.

Yes, I said in the 2012 election to vote for the most pro-life candidate or the candidate that supports Christian values the most.

That was a different election, though.

I am begging you guys not to vote for Donald Trump.

That is all.

(P.S. This will probably be my last post on here. It is evident that no one has been reading my posts anymore. It was a good seven years. Thank you.)

Sunday, January 24, 2016

15 Things You Should Stop Saying to Liberal Arts Students


  1. "Psychology is not a real science."-Says someone who does not know the difference between the Thalamus and the Hypothalamus, does not know how to pronounce the word "Amygdala," and the only psychologist they've ever heard of is Sigmund Freud. They also do not have an opinion on the DSM-V, and in fact have never read or heard of the DSM.
  2. "You should reconsider your career choice." People say this more often than you'd think, and it takes everything in me to maintain my composure. No, I'm completely stupid. I have never had any doubts about going into the arts whatsoever.
  3. "STEM careers make so much more money." Yeah, I'm gonna be broke; I get it. But I would rather play guitar on the side of the street than draw another Lewis dot structure any day.
  4. "My [insert relative or friend] did your career choice and ended up..." Okay, maybe they're homeless or miserable. Whatever. That's them. Just because they failed at it doesn't mean I will.
  5. "Well, it's harder for [women, people of color, girls with natural hair, etc.] to get a job in..." Once again, I'm completely stupid and did not notice the melanin in my skin. Never knew I was black. I never realized I was a woman, either. Nope. I never knew racism or sexism existed. What. A. Shocker.
  6. "But you're so good at [insert a thing that you're so-so at and don't enjoy that much]!" But I don't wanna do that.
  7. "It's hard to get a job in that field." It's also hard to become an astronaut or engineer, but no one discourages them. 
  8. "You're wasting your potential." You're wasting my time.
  9. "Hopefully you'll marry someone rich." I hope I will, too.
  10. "[after saying something completely rude and condescending] I'm only looking out for you!" Dude, I'm not a baby. More specifically, I'm not YOUR baby, so stop acting like you're my mom and respect that this is a decision I am making. I know what I'm doing; I've already planned which states/countries I will move to, how long I will stay there, how much it will cost to live there, and what I will do while I am there. You don't have to look out for me unless you're gonna pay my tuition.
  11. "But you don't have the voice for theater/voiceover/broadcasting..." Because you're an expert on that? I wouldn't choose this field if no one told me I had a chance.
  12. "You're in a lot of classes this semester? Yeah, but that's an easy program..." Music majors perform in front of a board of professors nearly every semester; have to learn how to play/sing music just from looking at it right there, on the spot; must learn piano in addition to whatever they're already studying, must be a part of a campus ensemble, and perform in a senior recital. Journalism majors never sleep and are expected to write for the campus newspaper or broadcast on the radio. Graphic design majors do... some really intense stuff, whatever it is. Just because they don't write equations in their notes every day doesn't mean their work isn't difficult.
  13. "You need to have a backup plan." Journalism IS my backup plan. You can fail at something you don't love, so why not take a chance on your passion?
  14. "I always thought you would become a doctor. You could do that, instead." Look, I enjoy underwater basketweaving, okay? Let me basketweave underwater in peace.
  15. "It's just not a good idea." So long as I love what I do, it's a great idea.

Monday, November 30, 2015

My Advice from the Grave (To Future Seniors... High School Seniors)

I'm not actually dying, but I am in the middle of the college applications process, so... same thing. This whole semester is why I have not updated this blog in months (in addition to having a total lack of creativity). However, good things have come of it. I got into Kent State, Wittenberg, and Baldwin Wallace thus far. Now, I'm waiting for responses from Howard and University of Maryland, Baltimore County; and then I will apply to Northwestern and University of Michigan, Ann Arbor last. I am every bit as nervous about applying to Northwestern as I thought I would be, but I know that I definitely will not attend if I never apply, so I might as well see what happens.

After taking these months off from blogging, I have learned a few things about myself and my senior year as a whole, and have decided to pass on what I know.

Don't beat yourself up over dropping a class.

I dropped two classes this year; I dropped a liberal arts course so that I could join a more difficult class, and a math because it was actually too difficult. I started out the year as a university Calculus student and am now a senior taking Pre-Calculus. Is it embarrassing? Honestly, yes. But, I have an A in that class (well, actually, at the moment I have a C, but my GPA for last quarter has a big fat 4.0 written on it, so I give zero...). The kids taking DEP Calculus are scoring lower than they normally do in math.

I know that I would not be doing well mentally if I chose to stay on that track, and my school does not have a normal calculus class. So, I'm taking a more advanced precalc course. However, at the end of the day, my A in precalculus looks a heck of a lot better on a transcript than the Cs some of the calculus kids have. Why? Because I know when I'm dealing with something I'm not ready to handle.

I had never dropped a class until this school year; I have always fought for what I have. So yes, it hurts that I didn't stick with it. But when the time comes, I'll be confident. And when it comes time to take calculus again, I know I'll be ready.

And remember, kids: it's better to drop a class than to fail it.

Get a job, or don't.

I have a job at a local library (no longer a volunteer-- full-fledged employee!) and I absolutely love it. I work three to four days a week, so it can be a little time-consuming, but it will pay for books and meal plans.

That being said, if you have an extremely difficult schedule when it comes to homework, you really shouldn't get a job, or take one at a place with flexible hours. In other words: don't work fast food or retail. I guarantee your hours won't be very flexible, and you will hardly have any time to do your homework. However, where I work, I'm allowed to take several days off (no matter if it's on staff day or whatever), because they understand that I am a student. I can even work there while I'm in college, so long as I work during breaks. So, I won't really be a full-time employee until 2020, but that's chill.

Getting a job was the right thing for me, but if you have a busy schedule, play Varsity sports, or have a difficult time managing your school work, you need to seriously think about the consequences.

Treat. Yo. Self.

Reward yourself! You got a 31 on the ACT (I didn't)? Treat yo self. You got into college? Treat yo self. You got a scholarship? Treat yo self. And what should you treat yourself to? Books (treat yo self). Massages (treat yo self). Food (treat yo self). Literally anything you want!

Don't overspend, but do a little something to give yourself a pat on the back! Believe me, you'll find yourself having fun.

You don't have to go to college.

As a little girl, I wanted to be a Master Sergeant in the Air Force. Why that specific rank? No idea. But, that is an enlist rank, meaning I could be on the track to be one even if I chose not to go to college (of course, there are many ways to become an officer aside from or in addition to college, but usually officers attend college).

Now, there are two factors keeping me out of the military: my personality type and my health. While I do not have any major health conditions, I have been diagnosed with chronic migraines, horrible vision in my left eye (something like 20/100 or something awful like that), and am at high risk for endometriosis (the only reason I have not been formally diagnosed is because the doctors do not want to intervene surgically and told me to come back if I have issues conceiving).

How do you assess if you're physically capable (before going to MEPS)? Think about it this way: you're on the battlefield, and all of a sudden a symptom of a condition you have arises. Will it interfere with your ability to do your job? Your comrades cannot stop what they're doing to take care of you.

Also, there's the personality factor. I'm an INFJ, and I know that being deployed and entering a combat zone--which is very possible with the rise of ISIS--would be emotionally scarring for me, and would probably land me in a state of depression.

That being said, the military is not for me. You need to know yourself. But if you want to enlist, and people give you crap about wasting your potential, then that's their problem. You are not wasting your potential by protecting your country; they should be thankful.

You don't have to know... anything.

I thought I had it figured out. I thought I would be a Journalism major at the University of Louisville. Then I thought I would be a Musical Theatre student at Northwestern. Now I don't know where I will go, and that's okay. I'm seventeen; I don't need to know anything, but I need to learn everything. Hence why I'm going to college in the first place: to learn. It's okay to be clueless right now. Tell that to your relatives this Christmas.

Early Action or Regular Decision?

I'm not even going to talk about Early Decision because it's a bad idea. However, I chose Early Action for my safety schools (which were Kent and Wittenberg), because I knew I had a high chance of getting in. Baldwin Wallace (rolling) has a lower acceptance rate than the aforementioned, but I still applied early on because I thought I had a good chance of getting in. Now, I have three options! It's always nice to know that no matter what happens, from here on out, I am going to college.

Plus, I actually like my safeties! I recently visited Wittenberg for a music workshop, and really enjoyed it there. So, pick your safety schools wisely; keep in mind that you very well could be there for the next four years.

I then applied regular decision to the schools that are reaches for me (I have a low ACT score). The application pool is much less competitive when you apply regular, trust me.

Keep your grades up.

People will say that this is the year that your grades matter the least, and that is partially true. However, don't let yourself get a C in physics because you had high grades in the past-- many schools will see that as slacking off, and may even remove you from the freshman class. Plus, the higher your grades, the more scholarships you can get.

Enjoy your last year.

This very well may be your last year you spend at home, or the last year your friends spend at home. Therefore, make sure to use your time on those you care about. You can save the crazy parties for when you set foot on campus.

So, take your friends out to your favorite cafe. Go shopping with your mom. See a movie with your dad. Introduce your boyfriend to your favorite show (I just finished binge-watching Death Note on Netflix, and while Light is freaking hot, Matsuda is my life goals). Not that I have a boyfriend, but you get the gist.

My point is, make the most of the time you have left, because you never know when you'll see them again.

See you on the other side!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

My Absolute Favorite Foreign Songs

I almost always write about Japanese songs, but here is a list of my favorite songs from Japan, Thailand, South Korea, Mexico, South Africa, Germany, Iceland, and China.

"春夏秋冬" covered by Goose House


"Life is Like a Boat" by Rie Fu


"Pop Up!" by Goose House


"魔法の料理 〜君から君へ〜" covered by Goose House


"Koisuru Fortune Cookie" covered by Goose House

Get the guitar chords here!

"女の子は泣かない" by Rina Katahira featuring Kei Takebuchi


"NOW ON AIR" covered by Goose House

This song was performed on USTREAM on my sister's (and Manami's) birthday, and was later published on YouTube on my birthday.

"恋はヒラひらり" by Goose House


"今、走れ!" by Goose House


"虹" covered by Goose House


"Sing" (2014) by Goose House


"Sakura" by Ikimonogakari


"Music Hour" by Porno Graffitti & covered by Goose House


"Shanghai Honey" covered by Goose House


"Hana" by ORANGE RANGE & covered by Goose House


"我的天空" from Young Style


"Hanabi" by Ikimonogakari

This might be the song that sent me into full-blown J-pop/rock nerd mode. I even know how to play it on guitar. You can't really find the studio version of this song on YouTube, so I suggest purchasing the album.

"Life" by YUI


"My Pace" by Sunset Swish


"ร่มสีเทา/ฤดูอกหัก/ฤดูที่ฉันเหงา/ฤดูที่แตกต่าง - พาย ชา แอร์ หนวดนำเหนอ" by MusicClay2011


"Guren no Yumiya" by Linked Horizon & covered by Goose House


"Daisy" by Stereo Dive Foundation


"Scramble" by Yui Horie


"This Beautiful and Cruel World" by Hikasa Yoko


"Oto no Naru Hou e" by Goose House


"Hikaru Nara" by Goose House

My favorite part is from 3:27-the end. The bassline is what makes this better than the recorded version.

"Shiawase" by PUFFY

This is my absolute favorite PUFFY song (they are well-known in America for singing the Teen Titans theme and having their own show, Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi), and should totally be covered by the girls of Goose House.

"K2G" by PUFFY

I'd add more PUFFY songs, but really you should just buy the entire NICE album, which includes "Teen Titans" as well.

"Lea Halalela" by Lebo M


"9,000 Days" by Overtone


"Um Oh Ah Yeh" by Mamamoo


"Gutes Tun" by Willemijn Verkaik


"Takes One to Know One" by Belinda


"Go Do" by Jonsi


Well, those are my favorite foreign songs. What are yours?

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Dear White People...

In light of recent events, my Facebook news feed has been full of statuses and links about Rachel Dolezal (thank God that woman's fifteen minutes of fame are basically over), the so-called "rebel" flag, and the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter. And yeah, Kylie Jenner, too.

I've tried to remain a very neutral stance (at least, to appear to have one), but I have just about reached my breaking point with some of the things I've seen on social media about racial issues in America lately. And that is why I have put hours into writing this post (I even made an outline-- and I literally never outline anything).

Before I start my rant, I want you to know three things:

  1. I will not apologize for my opinions. For all of my life, I have always ended my arguments with "but that's just my opinion," "I don't mean to offend anyone," "but what would I know, anyway," or "I could be wrong." However, today I am going to say exactly how I feel, and I'm not sugarcoating anything simply because it might hurt someone's feelings.
  2. This is not supposed to make you feel guilty about your privilege. It is not your fault that you were born white, just as it is not my fault that I was born black. But it is everyone's responsibility to be well-informed about their community, and that is the purpose of this post. And when I say "You," I don't mean every white person; just the ones I've heard say these things.
  3. Please read this to the end. This post will not look Pinterest-worthy (you should follow me, by the way), and it probably won't be fun to read. But, taking a small amount of time out of your day to understand what it is like to live as a POC will, hopefully, be worth the time spent.
There will be a glossary at the end, so if you find yourself lost with any of the slang I use, just refer to that. Slang and pop culture words are italicized. Other than that, let's get this rant started!

Understand that racism is not dead.
I will admit that society has greatly improved, though. I mean, the African slave trade isn't exactly functioning right now, and the name Jim Crow is one I've only ever seen in history books. But, today's problem (well, one of them) is that racism is dismissed. Yes, we've come a long way, but racism is still here! You're not noticing it because it's sneakier than ever. Racism today is whitewashing. It's casting a nearly all-white cast in a movie set in Egypt (which, to the surprise of many, is in Africa). Or, remember when M. Night Shyamalan made that one movie that will not be named (as it is a disgrace to the Avatar fandom) and a certain Water Tribe girl was played by a white actress? And Sokka was white, too? Literally the only good thing that came from that movie was Seychelle Gabriel (who later went on to voice Asami Sato in The Legend of Korra).

Anyway. Sorry, talking about The Last Airbender makes me really angry. But, back to my point. In addition to whitewashing, there's colorblindness. You may have heard people say, "I don't see race" or "we're all one human race; race doesn't exist." These are some of the most insulting things to say to POC. We know your intentions are good, but you wanna know what that sounds like? It sounds like where we come from doesn't matter; like the answer to ending racism is about forgetting race altogether. However, we should all be proud of our race, because it makes us who we are. So, stop erasing race, and try erasing racism.

Last thing to say on this point: nearly every POC has experienced racism and stereotypes. If you truly believe racism is dead, ask any one of us, and I guarantee you there will be stories. There is also a thing called colorism, but I'll talk about that later. 

The point is this: the face of racism is changing. It no longer looks like cotton picking and segregation. In order to end it, you need to pay attention to it.

Don't downplay our struggles.
This is the problem I've seen on social media lately. It seems that when people (people in general, really) don't understand how someone else feels, they just write it off as not really being a big deal. 

You know, I've heard people say, "y'all need to quit bringing up slavery like it happened to you. It didn't. It was 150 years ago; get over it." Okay, I only saw one person type that, and thank goodness it wasn't one of my Facebook friends because they would have been unfriended in a heartbeat. Yes, it was a long time ago. Should we forget it or pretend it doesn't matter, though? No! Slavery is one of the most evil things humanity is capable of, so don't tell me it's not a big deal anymore when it is. Pff, it's still going on today, even in the United States, with human trafficking. So, to whoever said that: no, I'm not going to get over it. I'm never going to get over it.

And that brings me to my absolute favorite topic, the Confederate flag! I could talk about it all day-- I ain't even kidding. You wanna talk about presidential candidates? Eh, I can't vote for that until 2020 anyway (thanks to turning eighteen three weeks after election day in 2016). You wanna talk about Barack Obama? I'll pass. But the tea is scalding when it comes to the Confederate flag.

Is it so hard to understand that the flag is offensive to millions of Americans? Is it so hard to understand that it represents years of racism and division? And no, I don't care what you have to say about it representing Southern pride or the original intentions. Find another way to be proud of your heritage, because celebrating where you're from shouldn't be at the expense of others. 

No, I have not been "brainwashed" by Liberals. No, I didn't suddenly decide I didn't like the flag after the issue was brought to light a few weeks ago. I've felt this way since I first saw the Confederate flag, which was in elementary school. I have always felt uncomfortable seeing it, but I never said anything before because it wasn't the right time, and I didn't have a strong enough argument. 

Maybe it does represent some white people's heritage. You know what, though? My dad's family is from Alabama. Yup, my family has Southern roots, too. Are you getting my point? That flag does not represent the people of the Southern states. It represents the white people of the Southern states, back during the Civil War. My family isn't proud of this flag; it brought pain to them. So why are you so proud of it?

Maybe it originally was just supposed to represent whatever it was meant to represent. Do you know what a swastika means? And I mean its original intention. Nope, it was not a Nazi symbol. It means "auspiciousness." That's not hate speech. But, you know who Adolf Hitler is, you know who the Nazis are, and you know what happened during the Holocaust. So, when you see the European version of a swastika, you think of those dark years. And you know what? So does Germany. That is why they have banned the Nazi flag. Of course, Neo-Nazis exist, but it shows that the nation is ashamed of its past. 

And one more question for y'all: why do you care so much about this flag? To use your words against you: the war ended 150 years ago, sweetie. Get over it. The Confederacy lost. There is literally no reason to keep bringing the division of our nation to mind.

Now that you know how I and many others feel, you can stop making a joke out of it:


But really. Stop turning our issues into a joke. It's not funny; it's disrespectful.

I can feel this is turning into a pretty long post. I sure hope someone's still reading. 

Also, the violence against us is real. So, stop acting like we deserve it. Stop making up stories about how Michael Brown was a thug (and even if so, why are you looking for reasons an eighteen-year-old deserved to die?) or how Treyvon Martin was a delinquent. Just stop. Maybe you don't realize it, but we're not any more capable of violence than you are. Why is it that the media talks about how the kid who did the Charleston shooting was a lonely, depressed teen when countless black men who were the ones killed have been turned into the villain in many cases? I have three words for you: Aw, heck no.

Stop making it all about you.
First of all, stop changing our hashtags. It's not "All Lives Matter," it's "Black Lives Matter." It's not "All Girls Rock," it's "Black Girls Rock." And let me explain.

Do all lives matter? Of course! Do all girls rock? Yeah, that's why we have feminism. 

But tell me. As a white person, have you been followed by mall cops as you walk through Claire's with your sisters and mother, who are black as well (this happened to me)? Have you been stared at by sales clerks with wary looks on their faces because you left your hood on when you walked into Dollar General to take a call real quick while it was raining outside (this also happened to me)? Have you been double and triple checked in airplane security (this happens to my dad every time he flies, because he kinda looks Middle Eastern and in airports, looking Pakistani or wearing a turban is a sin apparently... he wasn't wearing a turban, obviously, but you get my point)? You probably haven't, unless you have tattoos, a pixie cut, or wildly colored hair.

But, as people of color in general, we have. And we experience it on both sides. To quote Childish Gambino's song, "That Power":

"...White dudes who call me white and then try to hate, when I wasn't white enough to use your pool when I was eight. Stone Mountain, you raised me well, I'm stared at by Confederates but... hated on by both sides... every black, 'you're not black enough,' is a white, 'you're all the same.'"

I think that explains my point quite well. No matter how educated we are, or not educated at all; no matter how dark or light-skinned we are, no matter who we are-- someone has something to say about us. Or worse. Hence, the KKK... Charleston shooting... need I go on?

So, think about that next time you say #whitegirlsdoitbetter or #alllivesmatter. Because white lives have always been treated like they matter; black lives haven't.

And, last on this point: Literally no one hates you. We don't think we're better than you. You know how feminists want to be seen as equal, but they're accused of being man-haters? That's how it is for us, too. Why is it that when someone fights for justice, they're seen as hating the other side? Like, dude, chill. Stop making it about you.

Know when to stop.
Rule of thumb: If you're not black, DO NOT SAY THE 'N' WORD. If it were up to me, black people wouldn't say it, either. I hate it when fellow black people use that word, but more importantly, if ou're not black, DO NOT LET THAT WORD SLIP OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. You will be knocked out, and no one's going to catch you. I mean, you really got it coming to you and high key deserve it.

And don't even think about defending your racist comments with having black friends, because they probably don't approveof what you're saying, either. So, that goes for people who know me in the real life: please don't use me as your golden ticket black friend you mention when you say something out of line. Just apologize, sheesh.

Also, don't tell us what our name is. If someone says they're black, don't correct it to "African-American." Why? Because not all black people are from Africa. I, personally, am (I'm most likely Senegalese, but thanks to the slave trade I can only make educated guesses), but not all of us are. Blacks come from all over-- Jamaica, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas-- heck, there's even black Mexicans and Indians. So, unless someone calls themself African-American, don't call them that.

And please don't remind us of how it's harder for us to find a man/woman by saying we're not your type. Black men are becoming pretty high in demand (the reasons why are not appropriate for a 12+ blog), but black women aren't. Men like our booties and our boobies, but as for finding someone who really loves us, it's harder. And we know that. We know that finding a husband is less likely for us (although it is definitely possible-- my parents have been married for 30 years!), so don't discourage us even more.

Last, don't even think that cultural appropriation is okay. Yes, Kylie Jenner is a WOC, I believe (I think she's half Armenian), but she is appropriating black culture with the lip injections, all the weaves and cornrows, like she can be like a black girl just by dressing like us or enlarging her lips to look like ours. And by the way, they don't. I'm full black and my lips aren't that big.

Don't downplay our achievements.
You wanna know who benefits the most from affirmative action? White women. Yes, affirmative actions does help minorities as well, but don't tell us that it's easier for us to get into college because standards are lower for us. No.

If I get into Northwestern, it will be because I worked hard. It will be because of my high GPA, numerous extracurriculars, leadership positions, and running my own business. Do you know how heartbreaking it would be if I got in and was told, "well, the standards are lower for you, anyway"? I don't think I need to explain that. We have to be twice as good to receive half the recognition a white person does.

Stay woke.
You made it through my post without getting too bored/offended! Thank you for caring enough to read this thing. So, what's next?

Keep educating yourself. You can never learn too much. Maybe that's the Ravenclaw in me saying that, but seriously. Research is your friend. 

Educate others. You can even share this post if you want. You probably don't want to, but you can. Help others understand that the struggle for equality is not over.

Your privilege is a gift and a tool. Like I said at the beginning: I don't want you to feel guilty about who you are or what you were born into. Use your privilege to your advantage and speak out.

Be that person. Be the person who calls people out when they say ignorant things. Be the person who refuses to stay silent.

Don't stay sleeping. Stay woke.

GLOSSARY
  • POC: Person of color, people of color
  • Whitewashing: Typically done in the media; imagine a movie about Lupita Nyong'o, only she's portrayed by someone significantly lighter skinned-- even me playing her would be whitewashing
  • Avatar fandom: The fan following of Nickelodeon's animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra
  • Water Tribe: An ethnic group in Avatar; similar to Native Americans or Eskimos
  • Sokka: A main character in A:TLA; he is from the Water Tribe and dark-skinned
  • The Legend of Korra: The sequel series to A:TLA; the protagonist is from the Water Tribe
  • The Last Airbender: God-forsaken film by M. Night Shyamalan; even Prince Zuko's voice actor in the original animated series never watched it because the show's creators thought it was trash
  • Colorblindness: Thinking that ignoring race altogether is the answer to racism
  • Colorism: I never got around to talking about it; it is racism within an ethnic group-- look up the brown paper bag thing that happened at Howard University
  • Tea: Something people mention during rants, especially on Tumblr (i.e. "The tea is hot," "Tea, anyone?", "Sips on tea")
  • Cultural appropriation: Buying a Buddha statue when one isn't Buddhist, wearing a hijab because it's fashionable, wearing a sari when you really have no reason to, etc.
  • WOC: Woman of color, women of color
  • Stay woke: What is sounds like, pretty much; stay awake, be aware

Friday, April 3, 2015

Thank God it's Friday

I will make this short and sweet:

Happy Easter.

Being a Christian, I have always considered Easter to be better than Christmas. Not gonna lie, Christmas gifts are the bomb, but I think we all know the main points of both holidays. And while Christmas is equally important on all levels, today is where it all comes down to it.

Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus is said to have died on the cross. I think back on my life (a short one to look back on, but nevertheless, you get the point) and think of what His death means for me. Without the crucifixion, think of all the animal sacrifices we would still have to do. And think about the even higher possibility of ending up in Hell.

So, I say "Thank God it's Friday" not because I'm craving T.G.I. Friday's right now (I'm actually craving Chipotle), but because without this day in history, who knows where we'd be?

And that's why I am thankful for this day.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Stuck in Second Gear: When the Big Break Just Isn't Happening

Three months ago, something that was supposed to be life-changing happened. December 9th was a day I had marked on my calendar since June last year, and I was so ecstatic when it finally arrived. I purchased a new dress, straightened my hair, and even dreamed about this day.

Why? Because it was the day of my Next to Normal audition. I was auditioning for the role of the teenage daughter, Natalie; it was a role I have dreamed of since I started performing, and now it was my chance to finally play her, a girl whom I can relate to better than most of the girls who auditioned.

By reading the title, I know that it's pretty clear to you that I didn't get in to the show. In fact, I never even got a callback. I felt several emotions at first-- surprise, confusion, sadness, anger, and disappointment. I was surprised that I didn't get in; I nailed my audition piece, received lots of applause, and 'good jobs' from other performers. I got to hear the other performers, and while many were very good, some weren't that amazing, and many performers didn't even follow directions (who doesn't bring sheet music to a musical audition, really?). So why did I not get the callback? It seemed clear at the time that I would, but I didn't.

Then, I felt confusion. What did I do wrong? Did they hear my mistakes? Do I not have enough shows on my resume? Did they not like my song choice? Did I just not look the part?

This led to sadness. I worked for six months to get a role that they cut me off from on the very first day. I wrote character studies to ensure I understood the character. I took vocal lessons. I listened to the entire cast recording (which wasn't very hard, but...). I went through all of this crap just to be noticed, and they had already decided they didn't want me in the production after one minute.

The strongest feeling was anger, especially because I felt (and still feel) that the auditions were not taken seriously nor fairly. If you forget to bring sheet music to an audition, that's your fault. There is no excuse to not bring music of some sort with you-- it is common sense among any performer. So, how come a girl who didn't come prepared at all received a callback, but someone who rehearsed for six months wasn't given the time of day? How come a woman who exceeded her time limit got a callback, but a girl who followed every direction was overlooked? How come every girl who was called back was a short white girl? It didn't seem fair. It seemed like any and every thing that could have gone against me, well, did.

Lastly, I was disappointed. I worked so hard, and now it's over. It's very discouraging knowing that the producers have their minds made up whether they want you or not sometimes before you sing the first note. And I had to accept that I tried my hardest, and it just wasn't good enough.

I am not the only person who has felt this way. Almost anyone can relate to a time they felt cheated out of something they wanted, or they just couldn't bring their A game to the table. Maybe you're a journalist whose story is never published. Maybe you're the singer stuck in the chorus. The secretary who wants to be the boss. The athlete who is always in second place. Well, I've been in similar situations, and I understand how it feels. Everyone else is moving up in this world; when will my big break come?

Out of the depression and bitterness that comes with being the little guy, I have found some joy, and I know you can, too.

When I was a sophomore in high school last year, I had a clear plan: become the class representative for Student Government, and the next year, become the secretary. There was no reason (in my opinion at the time) that I shouldn't have been chosen-- my 3rd quarter transcript showcased a perfect GPA, I wrote a decent essay about why I should be chosen, I was on good terms with most (and I must emphasize the word "most"... there was a group of kids who laughed at me when I was campaigning... whatever, none of them have put much effort into their post-HS careers. Besides, this is the same group that laughed when I ran for homecoming court, and I won that) of my classmates, and I even gave them candy. I even made the mistake of assuming I was the leading candidate.

But, in the end, popularity is what won the election, and I am definitely not the most popular person in the grade. I totally skipped over the sadness stage; I was just mad. Like, who was voting for this? What were they thinking? I had more impressive credentials than many of the candidates, so what happened?


Now, I can think about it with a much clearer mindset. While I still think I would have been a good pick for the position, those elected have done pretty well so far. If it wasn't me, I'm glad it was them. And, things started to work out for me, too.

Early this year I joined my school's chapter of the Key Club and helped organize a few events to raise money for charity (our last fundraiser will allow us to donate blankets to a crisis maternity center). Then, in December I was inducted into the National Honor Society. Now that we're nearing the end of the school year (can you believe it?), elections have come around. So, I gave it another shot... twice.

For Key Club, I won because I had no opposition. For NHS, I beat out my opponent. This means that not only am I an officer in one club, but I am the secretary for two different clubs. And I feel truly blessed.

Around this time last year, I was upset because no one took me seriously. And now, I have more than I could have possibly ever wanted! I'm still waiting for the day my performance career takes off, but I'm well on my way with journalism. So, my advice?

Stay tuned. The best has yet to come.